I spent £200 on a train ticket to have no seat, no WiFi and no toilet

We’ve all got so used to the trains in this country being completely useless (Picture: Aaron Chown/PA)

‘I made a mistake this weekend’ is something I’ve uttered on many a Monday morning in my adult life.

I’m sure I’m not alone in that, either.

As I’ve got older, said mistakes have varied from drinking too much, hooking up with the wrong people, draining my overdraft, and committing to things (and people) that I shouldn’t be committing to.

But Monday just gone, I was cursing myself for a mistake that I’ve made many times in the past. One that I should be old enough to know better than; one that surely everyone knows to avoid…

I bought a ticket to use a train in this country, naively believing that it would have working toilets, WiFi, food and water, and that it would run and arrive on time. 

I know. I’m ashamed.

It feels mad to pay huge amounts of money for a train and not be able to just assume you’ll get what you’ve paid for.

But that’s travelling by rail in Britain – we’ve all got so used to the trains in this country being completely useless, despite the amount of taxpayer money being invested.

More than most, I should know not to trust what trains have become in Britain. I grew up in a commuter town with rail travel being a constant factor in my weekends. 

Plus, as a working comedian of nearly 10 years, I’ve spent much of my career relying on, and indeed being let down, by trains in this country. 

I just want to be able to get to Dundee and back in less time than it would take to get to Athens (Picture: Jacob Hawley)

Recently, I was heading from London to Dundee for a wedding, and while a Ryanair flight was available, I’ve enough climate guilt to go by rail. 

I forked out nearly £200 for the privilege and, most stupidly of all, told myself in the days leading up to it: ‘Take it easy with work this week, leave some for the train.’

Of course I couldn’t get any work done. 

Even at 6am, it was overflowing with people. I crammed myself into a seat before giving it up to an elderly lady whose seat was seemingly taken by a tourist who didn’t speak English.

Of course there were no staff around to sort this, so I hunkered down at the end of a carriage, next to a toilet that was inevitably and yet thankfully out of order. I turned my bag into a makeshift desk, took out my laptop, and… the WiFi didn’t work.

I just about got a personal hotspot going from my phone, and went to get a coffee to drink while I worked. 

Of course – the shop had connection problems of its own, and staff couldn’t serve food or drink as their payment system wasn’t functioning. 

Years ago I’d huff and puff; email customer service, attempt refunds, maybe even complain to any staff I could find. 

Now, I’ve given up. And let’s be honest, we all have, haven’t we? 

We’ve given up on trains working, we’re used to cars being the only option for getting anywhere, and worst of all, domestic flights are the norm now rather than being seen as the absurdity that they are.

Billions of public funds have been invested into rail. Our country has a tradition of rail travel that goes back centuries, and the infrastructure is there for rail travel to be a faster and more enjoyable way of getting around the country.

And yet the private companies who now own our rail networks have completely destroyed them as a reliable resource.

You can’t rely on them, you can’t enjoy them, and most of the time we just accept that you probably can’t use them. 

And strangest of all, if you try to voice these opinions on the internet, there are train fans queueing up to defend them.

I was on an on a train recently and watched a pensioner innocently try to use a different provider’s ticket to use the train. Their ticket had got them through the necessary barriers and they were sat in a near empty carriage, late at night, waiting to go home. 

The ticket inspector seemed to take enjoyment in quite loudly remonstrating them for having a ticket for the wrong brand of train.

After posting on X to voice my dismay at the situation, hundreds of weird people told me that the pensioner was in the wrong and that they deserved to be fined, while the train company tweeted an automated response to me, pointing me in the direction of their useless FAQs.

What’s going on? Why are people celebrating the mess that our rail network has become?

The country is falling apart – there’s sewage in our waters, and nurses queueing for food banks. Now the trains don’t work either. And we’re just accepting it? Not just that, many seem to be enjoying it?

To me, the trains seem to be a metaphor for everything else that’s broken in the UK. 

The Conservative Party has privatised it to the point of death and as a confused, tired and skint public body, we don’t know what to do and so we busy ourselves by fighting with each other. 

This might sound like a call for revolution, for taking up arms and fighting back. Perhaps that’s what I want. 

Or, perhaps, I just want to be able to get to Dundee and back in less time and for less money than it would take to get to Athens.

On reflection, I’d be happy if I could’ve written this article with functioning train WiFi.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

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