The case of Ambreen Fatima Sheikh has lifted the lid on a hidden epidemic of abuse within the Asian community (Picture: Stock image/Getty Images)
Like many young brides in the Asian community, Ambreen Fatima Sheikh was brought to the UK from Pakistan following an arranged marriage.
Growing up, she had always been taught by her family the importance of being obedient and respectful to her in-laws.
However, instead of the exciting new life she imagined, Ambreen was subjected to a brutal campaign of abuse at the hands of her husband and his parents.
It resulted in her being doused with a corrosive substance and forced fed diabetic medication, causing catastrophic brain damage which has left her in a vegetative state for nearly a decade.
This month, her husband Asgar Sheikh, and his parents Khalid and Shabnam Sheikh, were jailed for seven years and nine months for the horrendous attack.
While many people have been shocked that such abuse was not just at the hands of her husband, but also his family, the case has lifted the lid on a hidden epidemic of abuse within the Asian community.
Ambreen Fatima Sheikh was left with ‘irretrievable’ brain damage when she fell unconscious eight years ago after being tortured relentlessly by her husband and his family (Picture: PA)
According to several women’s organisations, in-law abuse is the second most common form of domestic abuse to impact Asian women, in what has been described as ‘a crisis in the community.’
Shockingly, often the perpetrators are other women such as mother-in-laws.
‘While abuse like forced marriage and honour-based violence are better understood within gender-based abuse discussions, extended family abuse is commonly overlooked,’ explains Mariam Ahmed, CEO of Amina Muslim Resource Centre which published a report on in-law abuse in December.
‘Extended family abuse is often perpetrated by other women. However, it’s crucial to recognise that this is deeply rooted in patriarchal structures, aiming to exert control over every aspect of a woman’s life.’
In-law abuse can range from physical and sexual abuse to financial exploitation and being forced into domestic servitude. One organisation, Sikh Women’s Aid, tells Metro they had dealt with cases where in-laws controlled when women washed and brushed their teeth and when they could have sex with their husbands.
In another case, a woman was raped by her husband while eight months pregnant on the order of her mother-in-law.
While abuse can happen in any family, the social and cultural factors within Asian society often creates an imbalanced power dynamic between women and their in-laws, which creates a breeding ground for abuse.
Abuse can take place in physical, mental or even financial form (Picture: Stock image/Getty Images)
Within this patriarchal culture, the husband’s family can be in a considered position of power, while the daughter-in-law the lowest in the pecking order.
Ameena* 33, came to the UK from India after an arranged marriage when she was just 19.
‘I’m the eldest of four sisters so there was a lot of pressure to get married,’ she tells Metro. ‘My in-laws came from the UK. They made out they were rich and educated and that they would treat me like a queen. My parents were struggling financially and thought getting me married would give me a good life.
‘But my husband didn’t want a wife. He wanted a slave for his mum and brothers. I wasn’t allowed to contact my family or leave the house. I had no money and had to get permission from my mother in-law to have a bath, eat food or buy sanitary towels.’
Ameena recalls how she would have to ‘cook and clean all day until my bones ached’ and was forbidden from eating until everyone else had, so would just be left with scraps.
She was also physically attacked by her mother-in-law.
‘The first time she hit me was when my brother-in-law told her I was gossiping about him and a girl in the community, even though I didn’t,’ Ameena says. ‘They were both screaming at me and suddenly she slapped me, while my husband and his brother egged her on. After that, she would hit me over any minor thing like dinner being served late. I was constantly walking on eggshells.’
Abuse isn’t confined to a partner, it can spread throughout his family (Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto)
With family honour such a powerful force in Asian society, many women are often pressured to stay in abusive relationships to avoid bringing shame on their families. When they do speak out, they risk being ostracised by their families and the community.
‘One day, I managed to secretly call my mum, but she told me if I came home, it would bring shame on my family. She said it was my job to win them over,’ Ameena remembers.
‘I tried to tell my GP, but she was from our community and knew my mother-in-law. She spent the whole time telling me how wonderful my in-laws were. In front of the community, they are so respected but behind closed doors it is a different story.’
Ameena was finally allowed to go home to India with her husband after she received the news that her mother was dying.
‘My husband took so long looking for the cheapest flights that I got back too late,’ she says. ‘I didn’t get a chance to see my mum before she died. I stayed for her funeral then my husband made me return early because his mother ‘needed’ me. When I got to Heathrow, I started crying and she said “we only picked you up so you get your crying out of the way before you get home”.’
Ameena eventually managed to get some help when her daughter told a friend who then alerted her mum. ‘I ended up telling her everything,’ Ameena adds. ‘She told me to report it but I was too scared because my husband said he would get me kicked out of the country and take my daughter away if I ever did.
Amina – The Muslim Women Resources Centre discovered that the most common form of abuse by in-laws was emotional abuse and coercive control (Picture: Getty Images)
‘Her mum was well connected in the mosque so she got her to visit my mother-in-law and persuade her to let me come and volunteer. It gave me a chance to make friends and learn English.’
However, like a lot of women, Ameena still feels unable to leave and continues to live under the same roof as her abusers.
‘I know you are thinking, “why does she stay?”, but where would I go?’ she asks.
‘My mum is dead, I have no money or friends. Things are also better now. My brother-in-law got married and moved away and my mother-in-law has health problems. She’s realised she needs me to care for her so treats me better.
‘My life isn’t perfect but I hope I can raise my daughter to be strong, unlike me.’
Research has also found that many victims don’t always realise they are suffering abuse, as what’s happening is considered normalised behaviour in the joint family system.
Woman can feel trapped due to cultural norms within their family (Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto)
Findings by Amina – The Muslim Women Resources Centre, discovered that the most common form of abuse by in-laws was emotional abuse and coercive control, which makes the victim dependent on their abuser. Things like needing permission from in-laws to work and go out are seen as acceptable and even encouraged.
Women’s Aid describes coercive control as ‘invisible chains’ but for some Asian girls, these shackles start long before marriage. From childhood, being obedient to your in-laws is engrained from a young age.
Sahdaish Pall, CEO of Sikh Women’s Aid describes her own experience, one which is shared by many Asian women.
‘After my engagement, my dad used to say, “they are your family now” and “I never want to hear that my daughter has been rude, answered back, or not carried out her duties”‘, she tells Metro.
Right: Sahdaish Pall, CEO of Sikh Women’s Aid, Left:psychologist Lilly Sabir (Pictures: Owner supplied)
‘When I met my mother-in-law for the first time, my mum boasted about how calm I was, and how, ‘even if I got angry, I will never answer back,’ which was seen as a very admiral quality to have.
‘Culturally it’s packaged as the dutiful daughter-in-law, a pre-prescribed role that’s consistently programmed into your head. Women feel so strongly that they have to make their marriage work, they are willing to sacrifice their own needs.’
The concept of female perpetrators is a complex one. Even within Asian society, the idea that respectable women within our communities can be adminstrators of violence is a difficult one to digest.
Some are coerced into taking on the role of abuser. For others, they are simply replicating the behaviour they experienced as new brides, and it is a means to control their daughter in laws, creating a vicious circle of abuse.
‘In-law abuse is connected to gender roles in Asian society. Unhealthy and toxic behaviour patterns are passed down and continue to thrive due to the lack of challenge,’ explains psychologist, Lilly Sabir.
‘There is an expectation that there is this power dynamic between the in-laws and the wife. The notion of shame and honour facilitates it. If you try to break the cycle, you are told you are disrespectful.’
When women do take the brave step of reporting it, often their needs are not met by mainstream services which focus on domestic abuse between partners.
Research by the charity Victim Support revealed that nearly half of women from Black and ethnic minority backgrounds said when they reported domestic violence they felt that the police treated them differently from other people because of their ethnic heritage.
For every story that hits the headlines, there are thousands that don’t. However, women’s organisations say the change has to come within society itself and the need to be prepared to recognise that the perfect, obedient daughter-in-law may not be a role model, but a victim.
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