Cheltenham Town are without a league goal all season (Picture: Shutterstock)
May 7, 2023, was no ordinary day in the football season.
Arsenal won 2-0 at Newcastle to move within a point of Manchester City at the top of the Premier League, while on the final day of the League One campaign Plymouth secured the title and Morecambe and MK Dons succumbed to relegation.
Elsewhere in the third tier, Charlton drew 2-2 with Cheltenham in a mid-table clash of seemingly little significance. And yet, over four months on, that spring day at The Valley must be recalled fondly, wistfully and cherished by fans of the Gloucestershire club who have not seen their side score a single league goal since.
Eight games into the current campaign Cheltenham’s record reads no wins, one draw, seven defeats, no goals scored and 12 goals conceded.
That’s eight times their loyal supporters have turned up in hope and gradually diminishing expectation, and eight times they have gone home without having been given reason to rise to their feet in joy, punch the air in happiness or embrace their neighbour in the stands.
Alfie May netted Cheltenham’s most recent league goal four months ago (Picture: MI News)
As universities up and down the country celebrate freshers week there are students who had not even sat their A-levels the last time Cheltenham scored a goal.
When Alfie May netted in the 88th-minute at The Valley, few of us had heard of Luis Rubiales and tennis fans still had three of the year’s four majors to look forward to.
The first of cycling’s three grand tours had begun only the day before and golf nuts still had the US PGA, US Open and Open Championship on their calendar. The Ashes were a month away.
There are many other ways to quantify just how long it has been since Cheltenham hit the back of the net in League One, all of them ridiculous.
This is not an invitation to point and laugh at Wade Elliott, who left Cheltenham after Tuesday’s 3-0 defeat at Peterborough.
Elliott impressed in his first season at the helm of one of the more modest clubs in the division and has been badly hampered by injuries and the failure to adequately replace the threat of May, who was sold – to Charlton, ironically – once the season was done.
Wade Elliott has left Cheltenham after their epic drought (Picture: Shutterstock)
Unwanted achievements like this transcend coaching, transfer budgets and injury lists. Tuesday’s loss made it 720 minutes (plus injury-time) since Cheltenham last breached a League One defence. Not since Halifax Town – in 1991 – has a Football League club drawn such an elongated blank in front of goal.
And Cheltenham aren’t really that bad. There are four clubs in their division with a worse defensive record – including third-placed Port Vale. Elliott’s men had kept a clean sheet and four of their defeats have been by the only goal of the game. This isn’t a terrible team, just one that simply cannot score a goal.
The bottom team in every other division has found the net on multiple occasions – League Two basement boys Sutton have scored 11 times. Eleven! Imagine that.
Fourth-tier Swindon have scored 13 times in their last three home games yet Cheltenham, somehow, have not managed one all season.
Football is a game of organised chaos. Winning games is hard but scoring goals really isn’t. Really bad teams manage it all the time. This is act of God stuff.
It’s also a reminder that, in football, glory can be fleeting and misery is relative.
Manchester United fans may have their reasons to worry but they have won some games, they have scored some goals. Things are really not that bad.
So, the next time you hear that glorious clank as the ball hits the back of the net and the stanchion rattles, leap in the air, bellow, smile, embrace and, above all, savour it.
Because you never quite know when it will happen again.
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