In a football-heavy election, here are our picks for Labour v Tories five-a-side

The line-ups, from left: Tracey Crouch, Liz Truss, Daniel Kawczynski, Grant Shapps and Rishi Sunak for the Tories; Keir Starmer, Henry McLeish, Natalie Elphicke, Jonathan Ashworth and Anna Turley for Labour (Picture: Getty Images/Science Photo Libra)

Less than a week into the General Election campaign, the topic of football has come up weirdly often.

Both the Labour and Conservative leaders have been keen to emphasise their man-of-the-people credentials by flaunting their knowledge of the beautiful game.

Of course, we’re used to Keir Starmer discussing his habit of playing five-a-side with his mates every week as well as his lifelong love of Arsenal. An official meme from the Labour Party X account today used Michael Owen’s goal against Argentina in the 1998 World Cup to make a point about National Service.

And now Rishi Sunak is getting in on the act, appearing genuinely chuffed about his team Southampton getting promoted to the Premier League. (Though he was happy to pose in a Port Vale scarf for a pic with Jonathan Gullis yesterday.)

In these kinds of situations, the Metro team’s minds tend to wander.

What would happen if the election was to come down to a kickabout between the government and the opposition? Stranger things have happened in British politics over the past few years.

We know time is precious at the campaign HQs, so we’ve done the job of picking the best options for both parties if they clash five-a-side.

Labour’s Red Wall United

Captain: Keir Starmer

Who else? You get the sense Starmer would be a bit miffed if someone else decided to put their name forward to lead the team.

As mentioned above, he plays five-a-side every Sunday with pals in Kentish Town – a habit that might be hard to keep up if he’s elected PM. Worth keeping in mind that the only time I’ve asked how he got on, he had just lost.

Henry McLeish

The shortest-serving Scottish First Minister ever – yes, even beating Humza Yousaf – is also one of the few UK politicians who previously played football at a professional level.

In the 1960s, McLeish had eight appearances with Leeds United before moving back home to play for East Fife a total of 108 times as a wing-half.

Natalie Elphicke

The best wingers in football have the ability to not only just be able to cut in on the left, but also on the right – and who better exemplifies that than one-time Tory Elphicke?

Her defection earlier this month was a transfer like any of the big ones that have caused rumblings in recent years. A Carlos Tevez swapping from one side of Manchester to the other.

Jon Ashworth

In five-a-side, you need someone who is versatile enough to play in any position required. Ashworth has been opposition whip, shadow Cabinet Office minister, shadow minister without portfolio, shadow health secretary, shadow work and pensions secretary and shadow paymaster general since his election in 2011.

And beyond serving in the Miliband, Corbyn and Starmer shadow cabinets, he’s also a Leicester City fan – could he take inspiration from their 2016 Premier League 5,000-1 fairytale?

Anna Turley

Turley played in the first women’s football match at a Labour party conference in 2019, a couple of months before losing her Redcar seat. She also put a picture of her on the pitch aged five up on social media to mark the Lionesses’ Euros win two years ago.

She may have been out of parliament for a while, but there’s a chance she’ll be back after being selected as the Labour candidate for the North Yorkshire town at the next election – could it be similar to Ronaldo’s Man U comeback? Maybe not quite, she’ll be hoping.

Honorable mention: Barry Gardiner, the son of an Olympic footballer and dad of a midfielder for Hungerford Town.

Conservatives’ Stick to the Plan FC

Captain: Rishi Sunak

Labour’s social media might have cruelly described the above footage as showing the PM getting ‘tackled by a cone’, but it’s tricky when you can’t wear full kit on the campaign trail.

Sunak talks a lot about stopping the boats – how might he get on with stopping the goals?

Daniel Kawczynski

Picked purely for his height, the Warsaw-born Tory stands 6ft 9in tall and went viral for a picture beside 5ft 7in Sunak last year.

Perhaps the pair could form a big man, little man combo in the same spirit as Peter Crouch and Jermain Defoe at Portsmouth and Tottenham?

Grant Shapps

If you’re looking for a player who knows a thing or two about defence, why not turn to the current defence minister?

He’s no stranger to a bit of footie chat too, as he told Gary Lineker to ‘stick to football’ after he retweeted a call for Israel to be banned from international competitions in January.

Tracey Crouch

It may not be the most impressive line-up so far, but the Tories have an ace up their sleeves – Crouch, the MP for Chatham and Aylesford who also happens to be an FA-qualified football coach and youth girls’ team manager.

Her passion for the game came to good use when she spearheaded the Fan-Led Review of Football Governance – though she won’t be around to see if the bill based on it passes into law. She announced she would be standing down at the next election in February.

Liz Truss

The climax of Truss’s prime ministerial memoir 10 Years to Save the West veers unexpectedly into a tangent about legendary manager Brian Clough.

Her childhood local team was Leeds United which famously sacked Clough after an explosive 44 days in 1974, leading her to tell an aide: ‘If the Conservative Party bin me after six weeks and I’m the Brian Clough of prime ministers, then so be it.’

And so it was. Perhaps if the Tories are looking for a player who pack a lot of punch into a relatively short period, Truss is their woman.

Honorable mention: Douglas Ross, the Scottish Conservative leader who continues to work as a top-level assistant referee in his spare time. Red Wall United may have a few words if he was picked to officiate.

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